


"...and I didn't tell anyone until now. literally."

by farquaad



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Suicide Attempt, basically i'm gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:24:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19240987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farquaad/pseuds/farquaad
Summary: Dan tells Phil about his suicide attempt





	"...and I didn't tell anyone until now. literally."

**Author's Note:**

> rated M just cause this got pretty intense. trigger warning for dan talking about his suicide attempt. the attempt itself is not described in detail but they talk about it.
> 
> also who knows what Dan meant when he said he hasn't told anyone before. that may or may not include phil so i'm not saying this goes along with what happened canonically but I still wanted to write this.

_"This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused, and I deeply hated myself."_  Phil squeezed Dan's hand under the sad pimp blanket they were cuddled under as those words crackled through the laptop speaker. Half-eaten pizza slices and the Domino's box they came from were lying next to the computer on the coffee table. Dan was finally done editing his video, which Phil had been calling a 45-minute long masterpiece even though he hadn't seen it until now.

_"I used to ask God in case he was there_ _to_ _please just make me straight and everyone stop."_ Phil knew this about Dan already, of course he did. But that didn't make it any less painful to hear. No amount of physical contact could take back the hell Dan went through, but Phil was going to try his damnedest to be reassuring. He tilted his head and pressed a quick kiss to Dan's shoulder. A silent, _I know. I'm here. I'm sorry._

_"But I_ _saw no end. No escape. No way to change the world or who I was."_ The way Dan was talking in the video made Phil's heart clench with something akin to fear and panic.

_"So one evening, I thought 'fuck it.' And I attempted suicide."_

Phil's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. His heart stopped beating for a few seconds and then started beating rapidly. The way Dan had talked about his past before, he thought maybe Dan had felt suicidal at one point. But the thought of Dan actually acting on it had never once crossed his mind. Phil wasn't a deep, introspective thinker like Dan. He never, _ever_ wanted to imagine the love of his life going through that. He didn't want to imagine all the things Dan would have missed out on had he actually done it. How much personal growth and self-love he might not have ever experienced if he had never made it this far.

The video continued on in the background for a few seconds but the sound of it was like a static buzz in Phil's ears. He couldn't think. He couldn't listen to the video. He couldn't move. His brain felt like cotton and his body was so shocked he just froze.

It wasn't until he felt Dan's eyes boring into the side of his head that Phil finally looked over. When he met Dan's glassy eyes, his brain propelled his consciousness into reality and he heard words being spoken from the laptop. " _...and I didn't tell anyone. Until now. Literally."_

Phil wasn't looking at the screen now but he could imagine Dan in the video looked very similar to the Dan he was looking at now. Teary-eyed. Scared. Sad. Vulnerable.

This illusion was cracked as Dan sniffed and reached over to pause the video. He cut himself off at the beginning of some joke to lighten the mood of the video but Phil didn't need to hear that right now. Phil just needed _him_.

It hit Phil all at once. Everything Dan had been through, how strong he was, how fucking grateful and happy he is that Dan was still alive and okay.

He felt like maybe he should be hurt or sad or pissed that Dan had kept this from him, but he didn't feel that way. Yes, he wanted to yell and scream and fucking rip his hair out. But not because of Dan. Never because of Dan.

He was pissed at the world and everyone who kicked Dan or punched him or called him slurs. Dan didn't deserve any of it. No one as good and kind and sweet and pure as Dan should hate themselves so deeply. The thought of Dan being so fucking miserable that he didn't want to live to see another day made Phil physically nauseated.

Phil could feel the tension from where Dan was sitting beside him, scared and anxiously waiting for Phil to say something. Phil made eye contact with Dan once again. He was holding in the need to cry so much it was making his throat hurt. He couldn't seem to come up with words that would suffice, so he just looked at Dan and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Dan let out a breath and Phil wrapped his arms around him. Dan buried his face in Phil's neck and Phil grabbed onto the back of Dan's shirt so tightly it was probably stretching out the fabric. Phil didn't care, though. He just needed Dan close. He needed to feel him. Alive and okay and the most precious thing in Phil's life.

Phil cursed himself internally for being so emotional as he got older but that didn't stop him from letting out sobs and crying into Dan's shoulder. He was crying for Dan and everything he'd been through just as much as he was crying with relief that Dan hadn't succeeded in what he had planned to go through with that night.

"Phil, hey. Everything's okay. I'm okay," Dan said, pulling back a little to wipe the tears off Phil's face. It was hard since both of them were shaking like leaves but Dan managed to brush at least some of the tears away.

"I'm sorry -" Phil choked on another sob but he didn't pause for more than a second before continuing. He had to say this. Dan had to know. "I'm sorry anyone ever made you feel that way."

"Oh, Phil," Dan's face softened and that only made Phil cry harder. "It's okay. I'm okay now, right?"

Phil nodded and covered his face with his hands as if that would somehow stop his crying. Dan slowly pulled Phil's hands away from his head and kissed each one.

"I hope you understand why I didn't tell you. Why I couldn't," Dan said. His voice was soft and quiet now. He didn't have to hope that Phil would be understanding. He knew he would be. They were soulmates, after all. But Dan still left like it needed to be said.

"I do. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you're still here, Dan," Phil said, soothingly trailing his fingertips up and down Dan's arms. He didn't want to think about what kind of weight that must have been on Dan's shoulders. Almost going through with something like that and not telling a single soul.

Phil shook his head as if to physically get rid of those thoughts. He didn't want to think about Dan's pain and suffering anymore. He just wanted to think about how lucky he is to have Dan in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> this was kinda bad idk but I woke up at 5 a.m. because I couldn't stop thinking about this part of the video so I just had to write this. you can reblog this fic on tumblr [here](https://farquaadphillywrites.tumblr.com/post/185635257855/and-i-didnt-tell-anyone-until-now-literally) if you want. ily all so much. stay safe please.


End file.
